


Frankly, My Dear

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:30:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7661419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Legion, Rimmer has trouble adjusting to feeling pain again. And Lister can't back down from a challenge.</p><p>Inspired by this <a href="http://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/147608223498/person-a-has-a-major-headache-and-person-b-is">OTP Prompt</a> from Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frankly, My Dear

Rimmer sat at the table of Starbug’s galley, his head gripped in his hands. He let out a steady stream of moans and groans that ran the gamut between pornographic and agonizing. Lister sat next to him, his own forehead tattooed with a purpling bruise as he shook it from side to side.

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic, Rimmer?”

Rimmer paused his cacophony of gripings to grumble back at Lister. “Well that’s easy for you to say! That homicidal pile of bolts only bashed you over the head once.”

“It still hurt!”

“He must have hit me over two dozen times! And at least he let you take something for the pain afterwards. He refuses to let me have anything.”

“Not even a paracetamol?”

Rimmer hissed as he shook his head, “He says it would be a waste for a hologram to use medicine when our stores are so low already. Especially when we have no idea if it would even work on me.”

“I don’t get it, Rimmer. Why would a hologram even get things like headaches? What’s the point of that?”

Rimmer groaned dramatically as he tipped his head forward. “Damned if I know, Lister. I sure as smeg didn’t feel very hologrammatic when Kryten was smashing those vases over my head.” He grit his teeth together as he massaged at his temples. “My god. You don’t think holograms can get brain tumors, do you?”

“Rimmer, it’s not a smegging tumor.”

“Well how do you know? You said he just grabbed my light-bee and was man-handling it! What if he’s given me holo-cancer?”

Lister rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “I seriously doubt that he’d have given you holo-cancer when he was doing everything he could to try to keep us happy and get us to stay.” Rimmer let out an unintelligible mumble in response. “What about your programming? Couldn't you get Kryten to hack into you and get rid of it like that?”

“No, he says it’s too risky since he’s not familiar with this hard-light technology.”

“Well you should at least lay down or something. Why don’t you go back to your bunk?”

Rimmer tipped his gaze towards the stairs and shuddered. “I don’t think I could manage. My head feels like a giant spot about to burst.”

“Lovely image.” Lister smirked as he rubbed his chin. “What if I carried you up?”

Rimmer gave him a look usually reserved for the sort of people who went to conventions about UFO abductions and Bigfoot sightings. “Have you gone completely mad? For starters, I have little desire to be cradled up against a jumpsuit that I know hasn’t been laundered in weeks. For seconds, you couldn’t possibly even lift me, never mind carry me up a flight of stairs.”

“Wha’? You don’t think I’m strong enough to carry you?”

“I certainly don’t. You’ve got the upper body strength of a malnourished earthworm.”

Without allowing Rimmer any chance to protest, Lister slipped his hands underneath the hologram and swept him into his arms. “Listy! Put me down! Argh!” Rimmer grimaced as he squeezed his head in his hands.

“You’re clearly in no condition to be arguing with me. Let’s get you into bed.” Lister wobbled a bit as he took his first few steps.

“I told you you’re not strong enough to carry me with those spindly little arms of yours.”

“Spindly?” Lister planted his feet firmly and lifted the hologram up higher. “I’ll show you spindly.” He started up the steps, driven by sheer will power and the desire to prove Rimmer wrong.

“You’re going to drop me and we’re both going to wind up in the medibay.” Rimmer grumbled as he reluctantly resigned himself to being carried to his bunk like a helpless infant.

“Y’know, maybe you’re right, Rimmer. You are a bit hefty.” Lister shifted his arms and let Rimmer drop a few inches before catching him again.

“Lister!” The hologram grabbed Lister around his shoulders, clinging to him like a monkey.

“Have you put on weight? Too much indulging while we were on that ship, eh?” Lister grinned into Rimmer’s scandalized face.

“You nearly dropped me!”

“Are you sure Legion called that thing a hard-light drive? Seems more like a heavy-light drive to me.” Lister chortled as he pretended to drop the hologram again.

“Stop it you incredible bastard!”

“Such language, Rimmer. Maybe you should ask Kryten to put you on a diet. Your weight gain’s clearly upset you.” Lister laughed as he hoisted Rimmer back up.

“I am a perfectly healthy weight for my height, you smegging lunatic. I can’t believe I’m letting you do this. I am not Scarlett O'Hara, and you are certainly not Rhett Butler.”

“Frankly Rimsy,” Lister pulled back his lips into a Hollywood smile as he did his abysmal best at a Clark Gable impression. “I don’t give a damn.” Rimmer shot him a look of death and Lister jiggled with laughter, accidentally smacking the hologram’s head into the stairwell railing as he guffawed.

“Oh smeg, Rimmer. Sorry!”

“You… you complete and utter…” Rimmer lost track of his insult as fresh pain pulsed through his brain. “I knew you weren’t going to be able to do this! God it hurts even worse now!” The hologram clenched his teeth as he pressed his head into Lister’s chest.

“Sorry, ‘bout that. I’m a man of my word though.” Lister hefted the hologram with a triumphant grin as he reached the top of landing. “I never dropped you.”


End file.
